Roommate A now hates all other roommates (B,C, and C's girlfriend D). He doesn't actually hate C, but hates D enough that C having her around so much annoys him. I try to stay impartial in whatever conversations we have about the rest of them, because I don't mind them. Maybe D a little, but not as much as he does.

These last few weeks has been near-hell for me. I had a philosophy paper, huge C++ project, and a physics exam all within a few days of each other, so the sleep I've been getting hasn't been too restful, I missed almost all of my classes for two weeks because I was staying up all night working on homework (normal weekly homework in addition to those things) and working 20 hours a week plus going to group meetings on top of it all.  It hasn't been too fun.

I'd been planning on celebrating with a beer and Uncharted after my physics exam all week. Live for the little things, you know? My exam was yesterday, but I didn't celebrate because I had to get up at 7:30 the next morning and work in freezing temperatures for at least 4 hours, then just cold for 3 hours, and then another 4 hours after that. Turned out I couldn't fall asleep until 4 am (probably due to the completely fucked up sleep schedule this week) and then had a horrible three hours of sleep. I called in sick (first time doing that) to my first job, slept until 1 and watched Roommate A play Super Mario Sunshine for two hours (I would have liked to be able to play Uncharted, but what could I do in two hours?), then went to work. I came back from work, Roommate C is playing Uncharted 2 (which I bought) and I explained that I wanted to celebrate my hell week being over and asked if I could use the TV and PS3. He seemed a little annoyed but let me play.

An hour or two later two more people come by (E and E's girlfriend, F). E and F are manipulative.. you can tell by the way they talk, they don't mean anything they say. E will be another housemate of mine next year, so F will be around a lot too. E starts talking about playing Super Smash Brothers and I shrug him off to keep playing Uncharted. I tune out most conversation, but hear some things they talk about. They had a brief conversation on V for Vendetta, I figured it was because yesterday was the 5th of November. E talked about how he didn't like the verbose wording used in the movie (or one of them did, I don't remember who). The conversation changed, life was grand. E wanted to play chess against someone. I told him I have a chess board, got it out for them to play with. They played the rest of the night. I beat Uncharted, decided to start Uncharted 2 (since I bought it and have time to play this weekend). B said he wanted to play a few hours, I said no (in more words).

At some point in the evening, Roommate A came, called E an asshole (like he apparently does every time he sees him) got some liquor from the fridge and left with his friend a little while later. He came back after E and F left and everyone else was going to bed, I kept playing for a while. At some point I stopped playing and went into A's room to talk to him about going to get some bike repair stuff for his tire, and he started talking about how everyone was acting weird toward me tonight. "They all wanted to watch V for Vendetta," he said, "and you could tell that they were all acting weird toward you because you were using the TV." First thought in response: You're drunk. Second thought: The only person who would have been watching the movie who paid ANY money toward any of the home entertainment setup we have would have been B, and he was playing Uncharted 2 when I came in, and had stayed up the entire night before as well as all of today and yesterday.  They would have no right to act cold toward me for using the TV. Third: I'm fucking celebrating, they'd be assholes to kick me off. They may not know that, but I'd explain the situation and if they still said they were watching the movie I wouldn't let them. There are more reasons, but despite the logic (however subjective) behind my reasons, if they didn't accept they'd be acting irrationally and that would really irritate me. I've been permissive for way more things than they know about, and I haven't been able to relax in two or three weeks.. come on.

It should be noted that A has some bias, the only coldness I noticed was from E for not playing SSB and a little from B for kicking him off and denying him play time tonight. But then again, I really wasn't paying any attention to what other people were doing either. Before I went to work I thought about mentioning to people that I'd be playing video games tonight, but no one but A was there until right before I left. I guess I'll make sure to do that from now on, though I'd like to be able to use the entertainment system I helped pay for (and that I share with everybody, even those who didn't pay anything). I'm going to talk to them about it tomorrow, anyway. I'll say "Drunk A mentioned something about you guys wanting to watch V for Vendetta" and then I don't know what. I don't think I need to justify anything that I did tonight, and I don't think they'll ask. I'm not sure how to handle this. Conflict like this in general is new to me. When I kicked B off the TV I made sure to talk about him and whatever he's up to to try to keep him from dwelling on what I just did.

It's kind of funny, even if I didn't have solid reasoning behind it I probably could have kicked him off.

Anyway, I'm new to this 'confronting conflict' thing, I haven't really needed it before. But I don't want to sit back and let people walk over me, I'd rather keep things friendly and open because I may rely on these people and I'm living with them for at least another 5 months (a year if we all get a house).

Living with other people is so annoying. But if I didn't I'd become a hermit.. I think I'll buy my own HDTV for my room next year. If anything, that will keep them from interrupting my rare (very, very rare) free time.

I like going to lyrics websites and reading the comments, because it's like a snapshot of what the comment poster was feeling at the time. There can be so much variation between interpretations, and all it really comes down to it how the person was feeling when they listened to the song. 

Okay, who the fuck am I?

Am I the nice, quiet guy? Am I the strong (personality-wise) silent type? Am I the romantic flirter? In the past day at the most I've imagined myself in all three roles. What the hell.

1. I worked with a really cute girl. One day I asked how she was doing (with no knowledge of her personal life) and she looked at me and was smiling but her eyes were sad and she groaned forlornly and it made me melt. I didn't ask what was wrong, my memory of that whole few seconds was hazy up until a few days ago and I still can't remember what happened after that. I kind of had an idea of what had happened anyway, but again, didn't ask.

2. But then I always am the stoic one, and fantasize about having "x" girl in my room or somewhere, walking up to her and looking into her eyes while she looks back, flicks her eyes to my lips and back, and kissing her.. or other such actions in a similar manner.

3. I never talk, but random strangers don't know that. Sometimes I think of things to say to girls but don't because.. what comes after that? And what if it came off wrong? I usually make the latter the second priority but really I don't care so much about that. I was standing on a crowded bus and some girls got on and weren't holding on very well. One of them said "I'm like falling into peoples' laps" (it was really just me) and the other girl said "me too", so immediately I thought "I'm not really against that" and thought about saying it but didn't, because I wouldn't get their numbers because I'd be talking with them for two minutes max and then that would be kind of pathetic and a disappointment for me.

Bah. At least I seem to be talking to more people these days.

Nothing else can make me feel the same way I do when I listen to good music. TV on the Radio is my current obsession, started with Wolf Like Me and now the entire Dear Science album, holy shit. It's love, the only other time my head is all tingly and I can't do anything but experience it is when I'm in love. When I listen to good music I feel love. That, or I feel the emotion the artist is trying to convey and that's what makes it good music.. I've always thought music is the language of emotion, and some people are perfectly fluent, and I can't do anything but sit back and experience it. Plus Stork & Owl just has a fucking insane beat. God I love this song!

My life is the same thing over and over again. I meet a girl and really like her, but have no idea what to do to progress the relationship, and eventually I just give up without moving any further than when I first met her.

I can't really flirt with a girl unless she flirts with me first. I'm not too bad after that, but I can't think of anything to start the conversation I guess... I haven't seen the flirty girl at work in a couple weeks, I'm not sure she still works there, but my schedule isn't like it was when I first started. Anyway, she would come in with a sentence or two and I'd respond with the same tone she used. The other girl doesn't start conversations as often and when she does it's.. I don't know, more work related. Not all the time, but.. yeah. I jumble my words in response sometimes anyway.. I always treat the girls I like the same way- by mostly ignoring them. What the fuck.

She always leaves before us dishwashers and some chefs, and she walked past the line and all the guys (the chefs) were staring at her, and when she was out of hearing-distance they all started talking about how great her tits are. And they are great- I was a little jealous of them for some reason. I'm jealous of the other dishwasher too since she seems to be all over him (in subtle ways, like it's a secret or something). I'd ask him what's up but that would be weird for me to do, I think.

He's an introvert, clearly, and seems to be a thinker/perceiver, but I can't tell whether he's an S or N. He seems like a stoner but not in the typical stoner stereotype, just like he's a little high all the time. He listens to a lot of rap in the dishroom too, and it isn't bad but it gets old after a while.  He's less introverted than me- he  talks to people, anyway. He's opened up a little more to me recently, his humor is observational most of the time, often about other people. A lot of the time we just end up laughing at the same things. That's how it is with most friends I've had.

Tonight a couple of the chefs came in and were talking to each other, I wasn't paying attention. They started making fun of one's high pitched voice and he said, "I'm so excited! Next week I'll be 30 and I might go through puberty!" He's really funny, and if his iphone is to be trusted his wife is really hot too. Lucky fucker.

A good friend of mine is back in town, I haven't talked to him since around Christmas though. We've been drifting apart for a few years, which sucks because I still consider him a really good friend.

God, none of my friends ever  invite me to do anything.. one of my roommates next year called me the other day and we went and looked at TVs for the apartment.. that's the only thing I've done with any of my friends since a couple days after I got home, really, except for one night when I drove around with him for a couple hours for some reason.

While we were looking at TVs we went in front of a computer with its webcam thing on, and it wasn't reversed like the fucking Mac cams, and I didn't look anything like I do in the mirror. Pictures of me never really look anything like my reflection, and I'm uglier in pictures and the stupid fucking webcam.. so there's that


Since none of my "friends" invite me to do anything I just sit around the house, thinking about how my life could have been different or could be different (basically the same "I have a girlfriend" fantasy over and over again) and I yell at myself for being so stupid in various memories that pop up.

My life could be worse, but at least then I'd have an excuse for how pathetic my life is.

Been doing P90X, it's hard to motivate myself to work out but I've been sticking with it so far. I have to keep telling myself it's only an hour whenever I don't feel like doing it.

Working now, never got with the other girl (same reasons as every other girl I've liked), I don't think she was even interested though.

So now I'm working as a dishwasher and there are a couple of attractive waitresses... one likes to flirt with people and she flirts with me too but I don't think that means anything. The other use cute as hell but I don't talk to her much. I haven't worked a night as the only dishwasher while she's working (which would give me more time to talk with her). She talks to the other dishwasher more, they knew each other before they started working there I think. I found her on facebook (I typed in her first name and she was the first one on the list) and he was in a picture with her from february, she was kissing him on the cheek or something. She seems to be a touchy-feely kind of person, she touches and pokes people, she's wrapped her arm around the other dishwasher while walking past him, but I don't think they're going out. She asked him the other night what he was doing after work, I didn't hear what he said.

Like I said though, she's really cute.. second or third night I worked she came in to put something down and asked me to do something, I said okay and she mumbled something, I asked her to clarify and she continued looking down and smiled and said "I appreciate it." Another time I asked if she found the other dishwasher (who she was looking for) and she stood up and smiled and said "Yeah, thanks". I don't know why but her smile makes me melt (as sappy as that sounds). I guess I kind of "fall in love" with girls really fast.. as soon as I see them, sometimes. It really sucks that I'm a chicken when it comes to dealing with women. Friday or Saturday she came in and talked the entire time she was in there, all I could say was "yeah, uh huh" and then she smiled at me as she walked out. It was weird and funny. I haven't been able to flirt with her at all though. The most coherent thing I've said to her was "Just use the empty cup!" in a joking way.  Argh. I can't tell if she's like that with everyone like the flirty girl is. I don't really care, I'd just like to talk to her more. I have this thing about wanting to talk one on one in quiet though, and I have a hard time with conversation if those conditions aren't filled.

On facebook I saw a picture of a girl I had a class with senior year of high school (fucking beautiful) in short shorts and a bra or bikini top or something, and I felt the pang of missed opportunity twinge, and a flood of non-memories and fantasies of love and sex. More and more I've been yelling "SHUT UP!" to myself at random times throughout the day because painful/embarassing memories or optimistic fantasies pop up and I don't want to think about those things. I want those memories gone and and I want the fantasies to happen in real life, they shouldn't be in my head.

I've only been out with friends twice so far this summer, and it's been a month, and The second time was driving around in the middle of the night with the friend I go to college with. I think the "7 years for friendships" thing might be true, it's been over 7 for my friend at Princeton and we haven't really talked or hung out since 10th or 11th grade, which would be 7, and I met another good friend in 7th grade but we don't really talk much anymore, that would be 6 now, and I met the friend I drove around with in 9th grade so I guess I have a few more years for him. I've got a couple other friends but I don't do anything with them. Other than that I'm alone, which is probably why I'm sitting here alone. I didn't even make any good friends at college (not ones I did anything beside schoolwork with anyway).

I'm lonely. I don't do anything to change it. I'm probably depressed, I don't do anything that I used to enjoy. Video games are pretty much dead to me (though that may be a monetary thing), I don't read much (another monetary thing?), I watch TV kind of, it's mostly just on in the background. I don't do much. I'm trying P90X to see if I feel any better with more exercise. It's hard to motivate myself to do it, I'n only on my 5th day though. The only thing I find myself looking forward to is work because I MIGHT get to talk to either of those girls, but I don't really talk to anyone else there unless they start a conversation. Work isn't bad either most days. If it's busy I have something to do, and if it isn't I don't have much to do and it's bearable either way.

This not masturbating thing has been pretty easy so far, but I am definitely feeling the tension now. Damn it! I need to get laid!

I had a dream about whatshername. I dreamt that she IMed me out of nowhere (I hadn't given her my screen name, and I didn't know how she knew it because I didn't have her on facebook and my screen name isn't on facebook anyway. I think I was in a castle or something for some reason. Anyway, the conversation wasn't long, only a couple of lines, but I can't really remember what it was. I messed it up though, by kind of saying the same thing twice. I said something like, "blah blah wow" and then my next line was "wow blah blah" or something like that. I don't like repeating myself and I don't like when other people do it. I think I added her on facebook after that, I can't remember. I think her screen name had 'caramel' in it, and her facebook profile said she was an ESFJ (which I doubt is true) but I laughed and wanted to tell someone on a forum that I chat with sometimes and figured I would ignore that and see if  I really do like her or not.

Overly detailed description of the conversation I had with her:

Anyway, continuing because or the procrastination thing- we went over some of the same topics as the last conversation, which was kind of annoying, but I was happy to let her keep talking. I said "Me too" a lot- twice in a row once, which I caught as I was saying the second time and finished hesitantly. I'm not sure if she noticed, but I thought it was kind of funny. She seems like she's the quiet type normally but she kept the conversation flowing, it was enjoyable.

She wasn't the first person from my group to come into class, so I asked the other guy what he's doing for spring break (which was how I was going to start a conversation with her) and chatted with him for a few minutes. I've said before that he's a pretty cool guy. She came in next and we weren't talking so I asked her what she's doing for spring break and I'm glad he was there to facilitate that because she didn't answer in either of the ways I thought she would. I was actively participating in the discussion though, which isn't something I normally do.

Sometime during class our group was done and discussing SB, and I ended up asking where she's from for some reason, and revealed I'm from a town half an hour north of her. Class ended a little later and I asked if she goes home often, blah blah. She knows a guy from my high school who also goes here and we passed him in the hallway coming out of the classroom, and she stopped and said hi. I wasn't sure if she was going to talk to him more or not so I said hi and went to the water fountain... when I was finished drinking she was standing next to me and we continued on.

She talked most of the bus ride and I didn't really say too much, but I made a couple of jokes, which she laughed at. We got off and she went to get a red bull at a store before her next class and I went to class.

I have a lot to do this week- diff eq exam tomorrow, physics due tomorrow, physics due Wednesday, Paper due Wednesday, prelab for Thursday, two math assignments on Friday. But all I want to do is sit here and listen to music. I could do that for days and be completely happy. I think I want to make music videos too. This hasn't happened recently, but in the past when I closed my eyes and listened to music I would see a story in movie form. It was always awesome. I may try to create rudimentary animations to go along with music to see if this could be something I would want to do.

But music is fucking amazing... I've been listening almost every waking hour over the last three days. It's really getting to me right now, I'm really feeling it.


When I wasn't listening to music was when I was working out in the gym, which is something I've been doing more of the last week or two. It's good. I should be in there as often as reasonably possible... But I ran yesterday, and worked my legs today, so I should be feeling that tomorrow.

Fucking physics

Okay

This is where I store the thoughts I don't want to think about, right? This is where I organize my mind consciously. So I'm going to put this here because I don't want to think about this the way I normally do. I'm going to try to get all of these feelings out. I'll probably only end up hyping myself up but I know I have these thoughts and I don't want to have them because I don't want to be disappointed like I always am. That in itself could be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but trying this is better than holding it in I guess.  (as you may notice if you read this blog, I express emotion in very immature ways)


Okay... on the first day of my physics discussion we were put into groups that we were to work with on various problems for the rest of the semester. I'm near the end of the list as far as last names go, and there was a beautiful girl who I was hoping would be in my group. Unfortunately, I'm never in the groups with the hot girls. I was put in a group with a guy and a different girl, they both seemed cool. The girl wasn't attractive but seemed nice enough.  Anyway, she dropped and for the second class we were put into different groups. I was put into a group with the guy from before, a new guy, and the beautiful girl.

We're a month into the semester. I've gone through some strange moods recently- seems like it's maturation but it's more acceptance of things I already knew but didn't want to consider about other people. I have two physics discussions a week.

Short story shorter- I'm trying to start more conversations with people now. It's been going pretty well. Last Wednesday I started a conversation with one of the guys from that group (I decided to start talking with whoever was the first to come in from my group- that was changed from 'talk to her' because I was nervous). Monday I said "hi" to her when she came in. She asked me, in response, whether exam scores were posted yet. You know a girl is special when she responds to a greeting with an unrelated question, haha. We exchanged a few sentences about that, but that was it. I may have made a joke while we were working, I've done that a couple of times in the past.

Today she came in and sat down and I decided to follow through on what I told myself I would do and talk to her. I asked her how she did on the exam. The following overly-detailed recreation of this conversation is really utterly worthless in terms of social progression.. for anyone except myself, anyway. I'll explain why later.

Me: How did the exam go for you?
Her: (good.. blah blah score)
Me: Well, you did better than me at least, haha
Her: Haha. I want to know what I got wrong though..
Me: We get them back today don't we?
Her: Oh yeah. I actually forgot about that until you said that ... (more I think)
Her: Are you taking calc 3?
Me: No, but I took it last semester
Her: It's so hard!
Me: yeah, blah blah
Her: (she actually looked kind of happy, not sure why) I have an exam tomorrow.
Me: (sincere sympathy) blah blah I dont remember what I said
Her:blah blah I can't study on the weekends.. I go in thinking I need to study and then it's Sunday night..
Me: (sincere empathy) Hah, I do the same thing. Who needs the weekends anyway? Two days is more than enough!
Her: haha blah
me: blah
Her: What other classes are you taking?
Me: blah1, blah 2, blah
Her: Which blah of blah 2?
Me: blah blah
Her: blah blah

This progressed to the strange weather, and I think I made another joke. She laughed a lot, but I think that's the way she is. That's the way I am- I laugh even when something isn't funny or even if I didn't hear what the person said. I think she talks a lot more than I do, since she brought up the other classes. Anyway, we got our exams back-

Me: I don't even remember what I got wrong
Her: Me either
She pulled out a laptop a minute later and checked what she got wrong (they're online), then she handed it to me and said, "you can check yours if you want" so I did, then said thanks and handed it back to her, and she surfed the web for a bit.

The other guys came in around this point.
I have a feeling the guy who I started the conversation with before feels the same way about her as me. He makes jokes and really seems to be pretty similar to me. I like him, he's a cool guy. He said he didn't remember what he got wrong and she glanced at him and looked back at her computer. Or whatever she was doing at the time, I don't remember.

The point of putting that normal bit of socialization for most people here is that my conversations are generally only a couple of sentences long, if even that. Most people say they've never met someone as quiet as me. I've never had a girlfriend, never had sex, never even been kissed. So when I'm able to have a conversation, even a very normal one, with a beautiful girl I get excited and start thinking about it too much. I've been keeping myself from doing that for this, but the urge is still there. So I'd like to get it out of the way. Since I'm the only one who reads this I'll write in a way that makes sense to me, and not as if I'm writing to an audience..

It should be noted that I was smiling a lot, but not the whole time. I looked at her eyes, but not too much. The main point of this was to not be fucking creepy like I normally am. I want to actually talk to girls instead of stare at them like I normally do, so I'm switching it up. I'm giving myself goals.

Shadow function speaking here (Ni if I understand correctly)- When I first found out she would be in my group, if not earlier, I thought, "She'll be my girlfriend eventually." I have no idea whether this will happen or not, but I thought that and it just seemed right.  I'd let the thought slip away for the past few weeks. I'll probably let it be lost for a few more weeks. But nevertheless, it was there. It wasn't a wish, it wasn't based on any kind of analyzation, it was just there.

Her conversation style is erratic- I like it. She seems to be pretty similar to me. She seems to be absentminded sometimes, and it's cute. One time she stood up and got ready to go (put her coat and bag on) while the discussion leader (? dont know what to call her) was still talking. The teacher looked at her and said, "I still have two more sentences, but I guess that's alright." She (the girl) looked confused for a few seconds, then sat down and looked at me and said, "She said we could go when we were ready..." I smiled. It was something that reminded me of many embarrassing memories. This was before I started talking to her.

I fantasize about skin on skin- touching her in just the right way to make her hot. My hand stroking her side and stomach as I lay next to her. Note: These are not purely her-centric. These are the kinds of fantasies I have whenever I have a crush on a girl. I was walking around in the woods near here because it was warm and things were melting and it was sunny and the robins were frolicking in the compost, and I saw an old condom wrapper on a trail. I looked at it for a minute, then imagined what I would say if a girl was there with me. "...Laying in the soft grass under the pale moonlight, where the only thing that matters is the other person..." I'd say (though there was more while I was walking out there). She would pause for a few seconds, then say, "You should write those horrible romance novels." "I'm that good, huh?"

I also made a new year's resolution to not masturbate until I have sex. It's been tough at times but mostly easy. I think it's helping though.

I have a lecture with her too (the discussion is for the lecture). She sits with a guy I went to high school with but don't know very well. He's cool though, I have talked with him occasionally. He's a good friend of a good friend. He also has a girlfriend so.. good. I am not sure how I would talk to her during that class or after it or whatever. I can let that slide for now, it's fine with me. If she wants to talk to me more she'll find me, I'm sure.

I looked at a picture he posted on facebook and saw that someone with the same first name as her and with a last name in the same region of the alphabet as mine had posted a comment on it. So I know what her last name is even though I don't even know if she knows my first name. This happens quite a bit to me, and it's kind of annoying. I found out she went to high school less than half an hour from where I live when I'mnot at college because of this. I used this as a reason to start talking to her- I could get a ride home! Yes, good plan! I just have to get her to bring up where she's from... that's a few conversations away though. My mom actually kept mentioning "getting a ride even to (her town)". Just a coincidence, but it's a connection, anyway.

She goes to the same bus and gets off at the same stop as me after class. I said "see you later" or some variation to her today when class was over, she said bye. I think that if I could talk to her as class ends and keep a conversation going I could talk to her until we part ways 15 minutes after that. I'm not sure really how to do that though.

I decided all I need to do to make a joke is use sarcasm- just reverse all the normal shit that I say and exaggerate a little. It seems to be working so far, I don't do it consciously though and that's fine. I could probably stand to do that more often in general.

So we'll see where this goes. Honestly, it would be nice to just have another close friend here. The one guy I hang out with here annoys me pretty often, but I deal with it because he's the only one I can go to to socialize. I know plenty of other people here too, but only in such a way that I say hi when I pass them in the hallway or see them wherever.

There's a tree outside my windown with an orb streetlight in the center where the branches all diverge. It looks really cool at night, especially when the branches are reflective.

Well, thoughts about her aren't popping into my head anymore. I guess I've written enough for now. I can't believe I actually think about all this stuff, especially with all the other stuff I have to think about. It's crazy. I've verbalized everything I've written here at least once in my head before, I'm just now writing it down. It's crazy. This is really long. That's why all my posts are really long I guess. I want to collect them all into a single file to see how many pages total it is. I mean, fuck, I've written a lot.