So, my brain and body disagree on a lot of things. My brain says, "don't do that, that's the stupidest fucking thing you have ever done" and my body says, "LOL NOPE" and does it anyway. This is why I agree with dualism. Anyway. I went into her room against my better judgement (MUCH BETTER) and.. well, I stole her firefox profile, switched it out on one of my computers, and have been methodically going through her life as far as the internet can describe it to me when I have all her passwords to everything she uses regularly. Yeah. As I was in her room, my head said "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HOLY SHIT THIS IS A REALLY FUCKING BAD IDEA" especially given that two people were in the room next door and one person in a room downstairs who could come upstairs to use the bathroom at any minute. I still did it. As I was closing the door to my room after quickly cleaning up everything I did on her computer he was walking up the stairs. That could have ended very badly. Worse than anything else I've done.. well, except for that one other thing. I try not to think about that. All in all, I had more than I thought I would. I had her internet history and all her cookies, and some other things that come with a firefox profile.

Anyway, here's what I learned: She had a on and off boyfriend for 6 years, hooked up with guys when they were "off"; he was going to propose to her last year but she broke it off; she's been sleeping with various guys since then; when I met her she was seeing at least two guys; her messages kind of indicate she leads guys on, maybe unintentionally, but then she complains about all the guys who are into her; at some point she started hooking up with this fat, nerdy kid (what? really? the fuck? the FUCK?!) who gives/gave her weed- this was while I thought she was getting closer to me; she slept with him the night before I took her out, and maybe the day of; they were getting close but she decided that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now and broke it off (don't know if they still hook up, probably not); she was roofied at one point, but not raped (from what I saw), but she was raped by her ex at some point (????)..??????; I learned way too much; she has a newly-found STD and it may be herpes, but it seems like she doesn't know for sure; she didn't mention me in any of her chats from what I saw, but that kind of makes sense because she mostly chats with guys who are clearly into her (I didn't look through all of them, after I read the fat kid's messages I said "fuck this" and walked around outside in the cold for an hour); she has self-esteem problems but is trying to change that; she facebook stalked me at a level above most guys, but hasn't looked since that week.

Really, all of this makes her much less attractive to me, but I knew about the STD thing already and I got over that enough for her to dominate my mind again once someone put a cute picture of her on facebook. My god damned curiosity always gets the better of me... This is all really a bad situation for me that I need to avoid, I think. She doesn't want to date and she has an STD, so I shouldn't sleep with her. She potentially was never into me, but I think she kind of was, at least briefly. I am repulsed by all this, but I hope it sticks around so I can finally forget about her while still living with her. This may be the caffeine talking, but I was looking through her pictures for the first time in a month or so after all this and I didn't feel that pang in my stomach that I felt looking at them before. I dodged a bullet, because she would have still had that STD if I had done things better and slept with her, and I wouldn't know. Or she wouldn't have slept with me because of it. I don't think she's crazy but she probably has more problems than it seemed. I wasted my (very valuable) day on this, but it might have brought some of that resolution that I didn't have before. I hope so. This is a bad situation and I need to avoid it. That might be tough given that I was going to hit on her a lot next Friday and invited her and my other roommate from my city out to a bar night over Christmas break. I don't know if that second one will happen anyway. Overall, it is clear that I have no reason to be interested in her, and that I might be a decent spy. I don't officially "know" this stuff so I'll have to pay close attention to what I say. If she didn't have the STD I probably would keep trying, but all together it's a perfect storm that hopefully keeps me from trying anything else with her. I know too much.

I don't want anything long-term right now either. Not after all this. I don't want to get too involved out of the gate with anyone, especially right now given how busy I am and how I'm graduating in the spring. I can use this to my advantage in rebuilding my social confidence that I had.. just have to meet some more people! I want to catch up on all this sex I've been missing out on (still haven't had it, but I've gone through some oddly life-altering events lately).

This doesn't keep me from being lonely or fix my problems. I have noticed that since she turned me down I have been substantially less talkative and confident. My facebook wall has had no activity since November 17th, whereas before it had something new close to once a day. I haven't been working out, and I've been busy as fuck but down because of all this so it's been tough to get things done. Alcohol seems to be the only thing that makes me happy again, even if only temporarily. That's a concern, definitely. I only drink on the weekends and usually not much, but they've still stood out as highlights of each week because I was happy. That could be because I was around friends and associated that with alcohol, but even with them I have been having trouble making conversation without alcohol. I'm looking forward to being able to work out again, but it won't be until next semester except maybe next weekend. I lost a bunch of muscle/weight this semester and I need to put it back on. I want next semester to be active, exercise almost every day if possible. I'll still be working around 20 to 25 hours a week with more courses, but I think a few of those courses will be easy. If I can lift 3 or 4 times a week and climb 3 or 4 times a week, eating a fuckton the whole time and trying not to overtrain, I should see some good gains. I'll have to mix up my routine. I'll figure that out over the break. I have an ungodly amount of work to do before Friday though, and I haven't done any of it. And maybe I'll finally start making electronic music now that I have realized I can use my work laptops for other things. And I might be able to get a good camera and start playing with photography. I don't need a girl for any of this. Especially not her, I'm not even sure what she does for fun other than sew or read things on the internet and watch TV. Those are all boring. I read a lot on the internet too but I find that really damn boring these days. I can be happy with myself. Fuck, I'm glad I'm thinking this right now. I hope it sinks in.

Woah. It's not that I need a girl, it's that I'm lonely and want more people in my life. A girl fills up a larger chunk of that, but I still want people to talk to even if I don't talk much. I haven't been talking with my friends who I normally talk with as much this semester for whatever reasons, so when I found a new friend in her I was happy and wanted to keep that around. Now I'm just numb because I don't have anyone to talk with again most of the time, or to at least occupy my thoughts and make me think of myself as a more social person. Huh. That might also be why the idea of random sex isn't too appealing to me (but I wouldn't pass it up...). I guess I'm lonely.

Okay, stuff happened since last post here (alt blog) but no one reads this so fuck it. She told me no, basically, after definitely being interested. I found out she has an STD, possibly genital warts, herpes, or genital molluscum. The way I found out is kind of shameful for me, but fuck that too. This news is disturbing to me. It's not my problem, no, but I was ready to walk up to her and tell her to give me a better excuse than "we live together," but now... that was an instant turn-off and now I'm confused because I've been lusting after her for a couple of months now. After she said no I kind of had an empty void open up in my mind, but I was still hopeful. Now there's just this huge pit and I have nothing to fill it with. I need a girl to fill it, even if I'm not really close to her or dating her. It's just something that always needs to be filled and there have been times where I wasn't lusting after any particular girl and was perfectly content, but being able to flirt with a girl who is interested in me is a HUGE confidence boost and pretty much immediately fills that void. I don't need many people, but given my experience and where I am in life I do need someone to fill that role for me. And it was her, and now it's not. In the space of seconds that disappeared. I understand that I shouldn't need anyone to fill that void, but it always pops up. Once I let someone in they open it up again and it takes me a while to get back.

Fuck. I wanted to fuck her. Fuck. My mind is thoroughly blown.

A weird night. First, some guy who I figured she is/was hooking up with came by with an expensive bottle of alcohol as a birthday present for her, then he took her to a bar where she had invited a bunch of people including me. I was angry at this point so I played smsh bros for a while and beat on the CPU players, drank some whiskey, and figured I could go and hit on her hot friends. I went to the bar an hour later and there were only two girls including her, but she didn't seem to be flirting a lot with the guy I thought she was hooking up with. In fact, he complained about there not being more girls there. She seemed to have friendzoned every guy there and they just hung around having accepted their fates. I don't know if I'm at that point. I don't know. I had a boot of Guinness and talked with my other housemate who came along with me, tried to talk with some of her friends but they were all pretty drunk. She made some potentially meaningful eye contact with the one guy at the end when we left, but she came home with us since I drove. She went to bed but left her door very slightly ajar, so I'm confused as fuck. She drank a lot so I'm not going to do anything since I was still good to drive, but was that door thing on purpose? Who knows man, who knows. I told my friend I asked her to go rock climbing with me but I didn't. I told him that because he was going to blackmail me if I didn't. I didn't have time to ask. I was going to ask before we went down to the bar but she left before us. I'll ask her tomorrow if I see her, and hopefully I will. I don't want to be friendzoned with her. At the very least, FWB would be cool.

I've barely seen her in the last week. Seemed like she was ignoring me again but that could be anything. I still get jealous when I notice she hasn't come home for a night because my mind automatically assumes she's sleeping with a guy. I get jealous too easily right now. If I had other girls on the line I probably wouldn't.

Doesn't matter. I dressed up as a character from a TV show we both like last night for a party and knocked on her door, and once she realized what I was she said "Oh my God" and laughed, asked where I was going, and then I left. Today she asked if people recognized the character and a little about the party, but we didn't talk much. Later she was leaving and asked me and my other housemate if we were doing anything tonight. I am not but he was. I asked if she was and she said she was going to study, which is the same thing I should be doing right now.

If she comes home tonight while I'm still out here in the living room, I want to talk with her, maybe go on a walk, or just watch a scary and/or stupid movie with her, preferably while drinking a little bit. This probably won't happen though. Oh, and my asshole friend is going to blackmail me if I don't ask her out by Tuesday. Fuck that shit.

I wanted to get a one night stand from the party I went to last night, but all the girls who were there by the time we got there were either taken or talking with other guys already. We got there too late (not that getting there earlier would have helped much). My friend started hitting on a girl, got her on a couch and got her talking with his arm around her, but she had a boyfriend. It was interesting to see though.

Okay, so I don't get to see her often but when I do she always seems really excited to see me, even if we don't really talk. She definitely knows what the fuck is going on. I'm not sure I do, but she does. I tried to start a conversation with her while I was eating dinner last night and she was making pizza, but none of it really led anywhere. Whatever, that happens. Breaking Bad is done for the season so we don't have that to talk about and Walking Dead isn't as interesting. We mostly would talk about those things (Breaking Bad and zombies) but we need to branch out. We had a few good non-those things conversations before. The one on that Thursday before break went way beyond those things. I wasn't really in a talking mood anyway, and she might not have been either. Happens.

But then I got drunk (what a twist!) with other roommates while she was off doing homework. The time before she got back ended up being kind of weird since one friend freaked out about something and ran off, but once she got back we all started talking about what we could do for Halloween costumes (I suggested erotic Hey Arnold) and after a while she mentioned an old Nickelodeon character that I didn't remember at all. I went over to where she was sitting (on a big circular chair thing) and she showed me pictures. I put my elbow near her on the chair and knelt down beside it (it's big enough that it can seat two people, but too small for me to just sit down next to her. If the other roommates weren't around I would have told her to move over and sat next to her but I didn't really think of it at the time anyway) and she showed me pictures if this popsicle stick with googley eyes and I still didn't remember, so I told her she was making it all up. She laughed and probably said something and I played along - I was very drunk and this ended up being pretty heavy (but nonsexual) flirting for me. At one point she was going through some other 90's shows and I pointed out some good ones and she said she never really liked them. After three of these I told her we couldn't be friends anymore, and that's about all I remember of that. Oh, and I got a text and my other housemate handed me my phone and asked if it was girls and I looked at it and said "..maybe." It definitely wasn't but I think it got her attention a little bit. I was making her laugh a lot, which was great. People tell me I'm a hilarious drunk. This morning she sent me a message on facebook asking why I was awake so early (like 10) and I said "I ask myself that all the time" or something like that.

So yeah, she definitely has to know what's going on by now. I haven't really escalated into sexual territory, which I really want to do but am not entirely sure how to do. I think just doing things with her instead of talking only would be the opportunity I need. So I have to ask her out.

Anyway, she knows what's going on and doesn't seem to be withdrawing. If anything she's trying to get closer. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm cute and do cute things. I'm almost positive that she thinks that. Her eyes light up a little when she sees me, or at least I think they do. They're pretty shiny already I guess. She does a lot of cute things too.

I have to forget all of this though because I need to act like I've got a lot of girls chasing me. I don't but I kind of do. I have already deluded myself into thinking I could get most girls I talk with, and it's possible that I could. The friend who freaked out slept with this freshman girl that I met the same night he did. Once he introduced me to her she seemed to pay a lot of attention to me and less to him, though he was flirting a lot I guess. I drove her back to her dorm after dropping off him and another friend and there was definite sexual tension in the car. I was making her laugh but being aloof and probably mysterious. If she slept with him she would definitely sleep with me, is my thinking. Hearing that he slept with her made me angry though, although I wasn't really surprised at the news. But it was the catalyst to get me back into that energetic playful zone with the girl I live with again, which I have kind of been missing the last week or so. Hopefully I'm back to confusing her even though she has to know what's going on. I want to get her to go on a walk through the woods with me so I can see how she responds to touch, like hand holding ideally and then probably a kiss if she doesn't pull away or anything. I need time to do that though, and I wont have it for the next few days. I did this weekend. We'll see whatever the fuck.

I think if we both got drunk together we would end up hooking up. That's a good place to be I guess but I've been at that stage with other girls too and nothing went past that. I have to take some initiative.

This is a post where I express my raw emotions so that I can stop thinking about this bullshit.

Oh my god the girl I live with, let's call her Blue, is fucking cute as fuck holy shit. Beautiful. I wish I could just walk up to her, put my arm around her waist and pull her toward me, then kiss her passionately. She has a weird sense of humor for a hot girl and I love that. I wish she would knock on my door late at night and act shy when I opened the door, so I could invite her in. I can actually talk with her. Sometimes it seems like she doesn't look deeply into things and is content with face value, but I don't think she expresses herself fully. I can appreciate that because I'm like that too. I might say something that seems extremely obvious but really I'm thinking so much under that and regret my word choice, it's just what comes out at the time. My simple statements can contain a massive amount of meaning and I think she's the same way. She might not do that as much as me, but I'm almost positive she does. She still does take some stuff at face value I think, stuff that I might not, and probably isn't as widely read as me (not book-read, but information in general), but I doubt there are many people who are outside of the internet. She has a really nice voice, even though it has a tinge of a midwestern accent and might not be conventionally sexy.

When I make a stupid joke the faces she makes are incredible. Once I made a stupid joke and she stared down at the table for a few seconds.. and slowly.. very slowly.. a grin spread across her face. I get a lot of eye rolls and smiles and can make her laugh. God she's cute. Perfect face. She always looks happy and like she's observing and thinking - there's just something about her eyes. AND she's nice. How a girl like her exists, let alone how I ended up living with her is a completely mystery to me. Mannnn.

I have no idea how she feels about me. I am assuming she is attracted but I don't know, and she hasn't made a lot of indications. I only see her a few times a week and talk with her maybe less than once a week. I talked with her for around an hour yesterday before she had to do some homework, then she sent me a link on facebook and I called her out on being unproductive. Before that she wasn't really conversing with me. We chatted on facebook a few times early last month, but then she stopped initiating and wouldn't really respond much when I did. Fine, so I ignored her.. and it seemed like the tension started building up, at least it seemed so to me and I just stayed cool. I had kind of gotten past that, which was really a pretty big accomplishment for me since it usually takes forever for me to get past a crush. Living together probably helped because I still had to see her around once in a while.

Anyway, I ignored her and she was ignoring me, then yesterday morning I was about to leave and she was coming back (in the early morning) and she called me over to talk about a TV show we both watch, then I had to leave and when I got back later she was sitting in the kitchen about to make food, so I started talking with her and we talked for an hour. Now I have to remember to continue ignoring her for the most part and not get hung up on her. My testosterone has been through the roof lately and she's been the only single girl I've really interacted with lately so all that energy kind of gets directed toward her. Ahhhh and now she's gone for a few days so I have to sit here thinking about her, of course...

The flowers from before were not from a guy, she stole them from a wedding after everyone had left. I still don't know if she had a guy over that one night but I don't think I'll ever find out. I know she at least has guy friends, but I don't know if she's seeing anyone.

Honestly, there are times I want to sneak into her room and see if she puts a password on her computer so I can see if she ever talks about me or what she's doing with other guys. I won't let myself do that but it's an urge. I tend to get that kind of urge with girls I like. Living with Blue intensifies that because it would be easier. I don't want to play games - just once I'd like to see mutual attraction blossom without being held back by "does she/he like me?" I would be happy to continue escalating but I get held back by "well she doesn't seem to be responding so I better hold off." I want it to be like in this song.

Because I will be your ambulance if you will be my accident
And I will be your screech and crash if you will be my crutch and cast
And I will be your one more time if you will be my one last chance


Oh sweet dream, fall with me
Fall fast, fall free, fall with me

Here's what I think is happening right now (or happened in the last few weeks): 1) I said something that made her a little less attracted to me, I don't know what, while chatting with her once. 2) She started getting a little more involved with this other guy (or she got busy). 3) Something happened between them and she's noticing me again, at least for the time being. 4) She's wondering why I'm not trying to talk with her so often. 5) I talk with her more and maybe get her interested again. I told her she could pass for a grizzled old man during that conversation and she seemed confused but maybe perked up a little.

In the future: 6) We continue talking sporadically since we're both busy, but maybe I ask her out at some point or start escalating in a more sexual way and gauging her response. Somehow I do need to indicate my interest. I'm hoping to be able to spend more time with her but it might have to be while hanging out with the other housemates. I think she already realizes I'm not like other guys and she has subtly tried to get me to do things for her, like some of her chores while she's away or other things I can't remember. I have read a little bit of pickup stuff and they all sounded like shit tests, so I deflected them. I've been trying to poke fun at her expense too, in a not-too- much kind of way. With her I've mostly adopted the stance "fuck it, I'll do whatever I want. Screw convention and embarrassment. Embarrassment is a guy trying to make my life shit for no reason." And I think that mindset has had an effect, not just with her but in other parts of my life too.

Anyway, my hope is that she is interested but is kind of reluctant to show it just like I am. That would be incredible, really, especially if it eventually came out. Obviously this is the lust and hormones speaking, but she seems like the kind of girl I would eventually want to marry. Maybe not her specifically, but she's beautiful, funny, kind, and we have interests in common but they aren't necessarily mainstream interests. If I'm reading her right, we're both weird, introverted people playing the "normal person" role. Normal people are boring, weird people are awesome. Fuck

Okay, so that (above) went nowhere fast, no big deal. This is what the rest of my college years should have been like. It took me three years to get to this point, but I'm finally at the point where I should have been entering college. I'm happy, meeting people and doing things, busy as hell but confident in my ability to accomplish what I need to accomplish, better adjusted socially, greatly improving myself physically and mentally, dressing better, interested in things, and sleeping well. At this point I'm attributing it to the valerian root extract and st johns wort, because even if they are placebos they are the only thing that's different now compared to then, really. The thing is though, I wouldn't have been able to list a lot of those things in the previous three years purely because I didn't have any money. I made due with what I could, but really, not worrying so much about money is a HUGE load off my mind. I didn't even realize it until I didn't have to think about it. I can join clubs that cost some money (like the climbing club), eat out with people once in a while, not worry about food or rent (while generally eating better), and buy better clothes. Money alone wouldn't change things, I think the pills are helping a lot, but money definitely opens some options I didn't have before. Even with the pills and money I wouldn't have had the experiences that I needed to get to this point, either. It's too bad it took three years but I'm glad I'm finally at this point. If last semester was near rock bottom for me, then I can only go up from here and I feel good. I'm working three jobs at around 25 to 30 hours a week and taking three classes (two are classes I'm retaking, but the workload is basically the same). Overall I should be making $1200 or so a month, but I only spend up to 800 and that alone comes from one job. I'm learning FUCKLOADS more this semester than any other semester, and I have the mental and physical energy to do it all. My lab job involves learning mathematical models and high performance computing, tutoring involves relearning concepts, my internship is learning about resolving defects, my three classes have their own topics, I'm lifting again and trying to be more consistent this time so I'm relearning all that, I joined the climbing club and am learning that, I'm still keeping up with politics, and I'll probably actually try to get back into guitar at some point... doing so much would have tired me out in a week before. I am sleeping very well now compared to last semester (and the years before it). I have even been waking up refreshed after 6 hours lately, whereas I usually need at least 7.5 and before I would need 9+ to even feel close to refreshed. I think I'm going to enjoy the climbing club a lot. I've done rock walls and stuff before, went to a small gym, but never actually learned technique or anything. Apparently I'm a natural but I still need to learn more. There was an event for climbers to get to know each other at a huge climbing gym here the other night. I took my chubby friend (who said he felt very out of his element) and we ran into one of my roommates from last year who moved out. He was flirting with this freshman climber chick, but once he introduced me to her she mostly ignored him and gave me a lot of attention. I drove her back to her dorm, but didn't ask for her number. Oh well, I'll probably see her around again sometime since she joined the club too. I feel much more confident these days. There's still some social anxiety but it's not a big deal either. Practice would eradicate that, I just have to get out and do it. I think I can progress quickly with climbing. I lift, for one, and most climbers don't. My strength will increase dramatically where theirs will level off. My forearms were giving out early on the other night (I asked a more experienced climber about that and he said to use my legs more. I was only using them for balance but I guess they use their legs for much more than I was) and my grip kind of sucks compared to what it should be for tricky parts. My back is also somehow stronger than the people I climbed with. If I am naturally talented at this then I should get much better very quickly, and I want to go back to the gym ASAP. I'm still sore from lifting and climbing yesterday but I'll probably lift tomorrow and climb Friday and take it from there. I don't know, this is pretty exciting. I'm trying a slow bulk this time around so I'm not eating fucktons and drinking a gallon of milk a day. I'm eating a little more than I normally would, enough to make up for what I burn and build muscle without putting on too much fat, and it seems to be working so far. Recovery might be slow until I figure out the right amount to eat. I should probably fit one more meal in a day. Anyway, this is how I always imagined college would be as I was growing up.

One day, I'll find just that friend who can see
All this weird beauty
Thrown right at me

Earlier I found a website where frat guys openly talked about various sorority girls, including a girl I had a crush on for a while. They didn't really say anything bad about her (some called her ugly but others were quick to point out that she's pretty fucking hot), and only one said anything about her sexual history and it wasn't a direct experience. I think I have a difficult time accepting that people are sexual entities, even myself. That was an issue for a long time for me. My lack of experience doesn't help in convincing myself that I am, even though I clearly am. I hear about the drama and sex that people are having and I have a very difficult time relating because I'm not that emotional and have no desire to take part in "drama", and I try to not associate with those who I think would, and I also haven't had sex or done anything sexual beyond mild flirting.

So that's something I've been trying to overcome - that mindset - and accept that people are people. Meditating has been helping. I think I've changed a lot in the last couple months (even in the last week). At the very least I don't care what other people think about me anymore. There's still "approach anxiety" but that's just something I'll have to deal with. I don't care about saying the wrong thing anymore. I might still kind of care about saying the right thing, but that's because I know people respond better to some things than others. I'm also finding I can direct my stream of thought more toward the "right" thing. Again, something to practice, but I'm using my housemate as a test subject since she seems to at least not dislike talking to me at this point in time. Hell if I know what she actually thinks of me, but then again who cares.

I pretty heavily identify with the lyrics at the beginning of this post.

Okay, I probably had to get that out of my system. Good. That would have been distracting if I hadn't gotten through that. I have a renewed vigor for joking around with people, something I haven't really felt since middle school. I think the pills are helping. Sarcasm and playfulness levels and are increasing dramatically. I'm probably friendzoned, but that's okay for now.

Here's an example of the kind of thing I want to see more of:

The girl, another housemate and I were talking about bars for around 20 minutes. She's from near where I am from so she was talking about bars in that area (among other things), and she started talking about a place called "________ Pumpkin" (with words in the blank space). From the context of the conversation it was pretty clearly a bar but she never specifically mentioned that. She was describing where it was and how good it was, and when she finished I waited a couple seconds and slowly said "... and they sell... pumpkins?" (you had to be there) and the other housemate burst out laughing and the girl was looking down at the table, neutral face, and slowly, very slowly, a grin crept across her face. "...No."

That grin was poetry in motion.

That grin is what I want to see more of from her and any girl I talk with. I've seen it before from her too, last week sometime when she showed me something and I was being stupid, and I think another time or two before that. I haven't seen or talked with her much in the last four or five days though. I love being playful like that with girls, it's one of the only things that keeps conversation interesting. They always like it too, but it is usually a big energy drain for me so I end up not doing it often. I think that I'm getting past that because I was pretty tired when I was talking with them tonight. I still need to work on my conversation skills though. The playfulness is basically how I interact with my best friend here, we take things out of context then roll with it and make everything absurd. I've also picked up some of his mannerisms. He gets laid but wants something more intimate out of his relationships now and he's having trouble with that. I think I might be approaching the middle from the opposite end, but I'm too tired to explain that. He's also very extroverted and I'm very introverted, but we seem to be balancing each other out. Because of him I am much more socially experienced than I was before I met him, and more comfortable with myself. That isn't entirely due to him but being able to learn his thought processes helped. Since he met me he's calmed down a little too, maybe for similar reasons.

Anyway, smiling girls are like crack so things should go well. It takes a specific kind of girl to find my sense of humor amusing, and it's more fun for me when they play along, but I should be able to confuse a lot of people and really that's all I ever wanted.

TL;DR: Fuck all the bullshit, I'm just going to mess with people for a while. Maybe I'll meet another cool girl along the way.